Karis for the Soul

Karis, the Greek word for grace.

This past weekend was time with some of my best friends, but even more, it was three days where worshipping our God was a focus.  A few months ago, Lizard emailed me to say "I signed you up for the women's conference at East Cooper in March.  It's Ann Voskamp!" 
For those who have watched me, us, traverse the past few years, and moreso, for those who have held our hands, dried our tears, and sometimes attempted to walk with us, life's been difficult.  However, in the midst of it all, I've begun to learn to step in thankfulness, and more specifically, as Ann spoke about this past weekend, my feet have baby-stepped onto a bridge built solely on trusting a more than capable God.  Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts was a tool God used to open my heart to thankfulness in the midst of any situation.  The light of His grace shimmered in the beauty of her descriptive language and called me to live more in His Word on a daily basis.  My 'gift list' is still growing although lately I've left it stagnant.  Once again, Ann challenged me to pick up my pen to grow in thankfulness as I pursue the end goal of growing in Christ.
Last August, Lizard gave me a copy of this book, she "knew I would love but also knew it would challenge my heart".  Fittingly, it was a year to the day when my heart broke and shattered into pieces of loss, heartache, and complete mistrust of God's plan for our lives.  As always, God orchestrates healing, gifts, and growth in His time.  You see, my healing was in process.  I had faced the loss, grown in trust, realized the presence of SPK was priceless and our marriage was precious.  I had passed on from shock then anger then to overwhelming grief then on to numbness then obedience for obedience's sake then loving on another broken & grief stricken soul and finally, I thought I was at a place of peace but it, the peace, was still on my terms.  Reading Ann's book turned me to look into real peace, thankfulness to God for every situation.  Thank filled heart motions for His future moving in my life and for the past year's events.  Finding the:
God my Father, I trust what you have done in our lives, what you are doing, and what you will do AND for these things, these heart-stopping, laugh inducing, moment shattering, control taking, sob infused, learning You are so much more instances, for each, I am thankful.  I am thankful.  I don't always understand but Lord, I.am.thankful. 

So, this weekend was yet another catalyst for building a thankful centered Krista, one who in the same second fears yet has her fears stilled by the karis of her God.
After a six hour drive and arriving to a line of women that snaked its length from the front doors around four curves of sidewalk and out towards the parking lot, Friday night began joining in song with a choir of hundreds of women claiming "How Firm a Foundation", "In Christ Alone", and "Be Still My Soul".  As we listened to Ann speak about living with open hands versus "these clenched fists filled with emptiness, not fully opening our life to God, keeping back from Him".  Her words stung as she mentioned how we tend to not truly see the "whole of life"; instead I focus, train my eyes to see the holes of this life.  I must learn to let the "holes become seeing through to God places; a sacrifice to offer Him thanks".  To live out, Philippians 4:11-13, by being content whatever the circumstances. 
And, even as she spoke, in that darkened sanctuary, the past few years of life roared up before me big.  These yesterday images now with the ability to speak.  They were crying out in my head "but your past holes are huge...what if He takes from you again or in a different way, what are you going to do then?"  So, there I sat, quietly in my cushioned chair, nestled between my sweet mother's shoulder and a no-name sister in Christ to my left.  Between the past talking and God's message for my soul breathed through words from a farmer's wife from Canada.  Between thoughts confused by meanderings and a church filled with women being encouraged, challenged to be more than just women.  Between the past and my current condition.  Between the doubt that stems from my own sin and the learning I've done which has taught me He is faithful.

I would like to tell you I unclenched my fist and let my fears fly in light of thanksgiving pouring out!...But I sat there, still listening, and had to pry open my hand joint by joint, finger by finger, until the white tree-branched palm lay open before God.  I whispered "in Christ alone" followed by:
-thank you Jesus for our loss because it taught me to give control over to you
-thank you for trips to SC even when I am exhausted and especially when worry has worn my trust thin because I am here being reminded trust is about letting you be God
-thank you for a sister in Christ who signs me up for a conference
-thank you for strength to find joy in the here, the now
-thank you for Monday and what it will bring because I trust You and what You have for us
-thank you for Your Word's, every morning and every evening, gentle karis on my soul
-thank you for other women's stories of loss and despair, which bring me to tears but in doing so, show me healing brought about by You
-thank you for my life's holes which point me to wholeness:  my God, my precious Savior

On this Monday morning, here I sit, still prying my hand to open, focusing on His ever present caress, Karis.