Blessed In Tears

While feeding our little one, I made an observation about him I don't want to leave behind in the fog of now.  After crying, if he lays on his side to nurse or just to be held, there is a small puddle of tears in the space between his eye and the bridge of his nose.  I.love.it.  These puddles of tears are the quiet after the sometimes ear-piercing or stress-inducing moments.  The salt water puddles represent peace and cuteness and always tug at my heart just enough to have my tears flow to drop onto his pudgy hands.  I will readily admit; the tears have been dropping quite a bit lately in our house.  Between a newborn and a new momma, you would think we had formed a salt pond. 

Being a momma is one of the deepest joys I have been privileged to experience.  With great joy, sometimes comes hardship.  It is also the most difficult job on earth.  Hands-down.  And, although there are countless 'how-to-do this part of having a newborn' books out there, they don't seem to cut it.  I've found the best 'sources' are people I trust about raising babies:  my mom, Aunty Sarah, Liz H., Allyson.  These women have given me hope when I couldn't see through the tears to make it past the next few minutes.  And, then there was the Labor Day weekend pep talk from my brother, Rhett, which also reminds me of the supportive emails and texts from Aunty Lizard.  Finally, I have been humbled by the continual strength of my husband.  His willingness to work a few jobs to make ends meet is only the beginning.  When I have a rough day, he can come home and make it easier.  He has made dinner to the point of cutting my meat so I can eat while nursing.  He encourages me not to worry about the unimportant things such as housework, laundry, etc.  My job is to love on our baby, to bask in the babyness of who he is right now, to send pictures to Daddy while he is working, and to sleep when the baby sleeps.  So, through the saltiness of tears is the sweetness being a momma brings, a reminder of how supported I am by those who love me most.

Honesty about motherhood is important.  I can't say enough how amazing it is, but I will not say it is easy.  I have shared with a few people the following statement in answer to how I like being a mom:  "I have always been extremely competent at any job I chose to undertake.  I take pride in my work because I give 110%.  Seeking how to better myself in my occupation has been a habit from waiting tables to teaching.  This is the first job where I feel incompetent on a daily basis."  Why is this my reality as a mom?  Am I the only one who feels this way?  It would seem so.  Au contraire, my friends, it is not so.  For those of you out there who are of the personality which thinks you need to act like you have it altogether and this mommy business is easy, but you are freaking out inside at times...that is perfectly normal.  It is okay to not have it all together:  for your house to be a wreck (as in 'hurricane ran through your place' status), for your physical state to be less than normal (a little extra weight here or there, spit up is your new perfume of choice, the thought "did I take a shower yesterday?" running through your dog-tired mind, speaking of mind--what mind?, and maybe it looks like you've started putting eye shadow under your eyes versus on your eyelids state of being), for your feelings to be crazy happy one second and in the next your world is going to end, for this little human being to have all power over you (your emotions, your ability to eat, take a bathroom break, speak on the phone to have conversations with adults, to read a book, to do the dishes, to change out of your pajamas, to drink a hot cup of decaf coffee, to be the former person known as 'you').  All this IS PERFECTLY normal.  And, it is okay to be honest about your now lack of control over circumstances, even though you are the adult in this new, sometimes scary, often stress-inducing situation called your life.

For me, it continues to be a salty but sweet time.  I am completely blessed to be in this moment of my life and yes, I continue to be incompetent at times!  We've prayed for this reality for years.  Our family and close friends have wept with us and now their tears are joyful because of our 14 pound baby boy's presence.  I am a Momma.  This is the best title I have ever held and it holds the most responsibility.  Maybe that is why being honest about all facets of motherhood is not always the case.  Messing up as a waitress is a lot less meaningful than messing up as a baby's mother.  Regardless, the tears are going to come but I've learned I won't drown in them.  Most of all, I've found the preciousness of this time to be worth all the difficulty.  As I type, what is closest to my heart, is the time I've had to talk with my Father.  In the wee hours of the night, when darkness surrounds and all I want to do is sleep, I've found a new 'all I want to do':  hold my baby and pray over his new life.  Commit him and our journey to the One who gave it to us.  List to Him the reasons I am thankful and ask for His grace to traverse the parts of this experience for which I feel completely lost.  So, our gift from God is doing his job:  pointing his Momma back to her Creator and to being on her knees before Him with thanksgiving. 

The fatal flaw of human wisdom is that it promises that you can change your relationships without needing to change yourself.  Every painful thing we experience in relationships is meant to remind us of our need for God. And every good thing we experience is meant to be a metaphor of what we can only find in Him.... We settle for the satisfaction of human relationships when they were meant to point us to the perfect relational satisfaction found only with God.

― Paul David Tripp